Would you like a jet of water up the arse with that?

I had heard so much about Japanese toilets - the heated seats, the electronically-generated flushing noises for those who suffer from shy bladders, the water jet - but didn't believe it until I sat on one.
I was freaked enough by the perpetually-warm seat, which makes you feel like you've sat down just after someone has been spending some serious 'quality time' on the same seat. It's also a bit disturbing to have all these industrious electronic noises coming from the general direction of your bottom.
But I defiantly drew the line at the water jet. Frankly, I'd be happy to go through the rest of my life without having a machine blast a jet of water at my nether regions.
That was, until I was sabotaged by my 'dear husband', who ambushed me as I sat, peacefully enjoying a quiet wee, by pushing the water jet button. Unfortunately, I wasn't even in the right position, so the water missed its target by a couple of inches and shot up my buttock cleavage. Probably didn't help that I clenched up like a reluctant clam.
But to add insult to injury, Phil failed to tell me that you need to push the 'stop' button to make it stop, so I sat there, paralysed with laughter, clenched like I have never clenched before, and powerless to do a thing about it.
I'm forever traumatised...